Three Little Words

Recent events highlighted the existence of “Vacation Rentals” in Chicago.
These are largely unregulated under city ordinance because of a poor choice of wording in the code.

In order to get some control over these, the aldermen of the 42nd and 14th wards have drafted an amendment concerning vacation rentals.

You can read the whole amendment here:

http://www.ward42chicago.com/documents/VacationRentalsOrd._000.pdf

All due respect to Aldermen Reilly and Burke, but their proposed amendment takes 9 pages of legaleze to close a loophole that only requires 3 little words.

The City code, with respect to hotels, is quite specific about the difference between permanent and transient occupancy (31days) and requires that anyone making sleeping rooms available for rent or for hire for transient occupancy by guests, obtain a license to do so.

However it also says,
"The term “guests” does not include members of the owner's family within the meaning of the Chicago Zoning Ordinance; nor does it include persons who have signed a lease to use and occupy residential property."

Because they did not define "lease" they created a loophole.

As written, you could rent your spare rooms to hookers by the half hour as long as they sign a lease.

I sincerely doubt that this was the intention of the lease exception.

Simply changing the sentence to "persons who have signed a lease for permanent occupancy of a residential property." would eliminate the loophole.

These three little words would require every vacation rental to get a license, get insurance, hang fire extinguishers near each sleeping room, and provide clean linens.

Paul K. Dickman

Winter in Chicago

As cold weather approaches, with its inevitable snowfall, I feel the need to put a few things into words
I have lived in and around Chicago pretty much all of my life. I shoveled my way to grade school back in ’67. In ’79 I drove back from college in a volkswagon beetle with no heat to help keep my folks place clear of snow.
Snow is a fact of life in Chicago winters. However, over the last decade or so, the ability of the residents to deal with this foreseeable hardship has dwindled. I can only assume that with the changing demographics of the neighborhood, certain rules and strategies for surviving this challenge are being lost.


It’s gonna snow
At some time each winter, eight to ten inches of snow will fall in one shot, and you will not be able to drive your car for a few days.

Rule #1 Plan ahead
Have a strategy in place now for how to get to work and what your kids will do on snow days.
You’re going to have to do a lot of walking. Do not be embarrassed by galoshes, long underwear and goofy looking hats, you’re gonna need them and so will everyone else.
Go get some salt and sand and a shovel to keep in your car. Do it now.

Snowplow drivers.
I don’t know what these people do the rest of the year, but for three months, they are heroes. They work long hours, in crummy conditions, at a job that never seems to be finished. They’re probably in a bad mood and are driving a six ton motor vehicle with a steel plate on the front.

Rule # 2 Stay the heck out of their way.
If the thought crosses your mind that you know this is a snow route, but you are just gonna park long enough to get a sixpack and a bag of cheese doodles, then you deserve to have your car hit.

Street parking
The City of Chicago grew up before the auto industry. As a result, most of us have to park on the side streets.

Rule # 3 Use mass transportation.
The city has a distinct hierarchy to its plowing priorities.
First they plow the arterials. If it has a bus route on it, the city plows it first and does not plow anything else until the snow stops and these main routes stay clear of snow.
Next they plow the feeders. If there is a stoplight where it joins the main street, it gets plowed second.
Finally they plow the side streets. If at any time, it starts snowing again, they go back to the arterials and process starts over.
Your car may be snowbound for days. Get over it and take the bus.

Rule #4 Plan ahead
If you know a storm is coming and you park on a one way street, grab a space on the left side. Snowplows scowl to the right and leave a smaller pile on the left.
Shovel your car out before the plows come through. The snow is a lot easier to move before it gets pounded into slush. Shovel between the cars, and a two foot wide path on the street side. Shovel from the front of your car to the front door of the car behind you. That way, the snow plow isn’t pushing the snow in front of their car onto yours.
Remember, no one but you is responsible for shoveling out your car. You can leave it there all winter if you want to, but don’t whine about it. It annoys the rest of us.

Rule # 5 Don’t mess with another man’s dibs.
Protecting the fruits of your labor with lawn furniture is a time honored tradition in Chicago. I have never dibsed, but that is a personal choice. As a result of this choice, I have to shovel about a blocks worth of parking spaces each winter, and I can sympathize with the practice.
If you are a dibser, realize that shoveling out a spot, does not allow you to stake a claim until Easter. Once the streets are clear and running, get that trash out of the street and back under your porch, where it belongs.

Sidewalks
As a citizen of this city, there are few things as embarrassing as seeing schoolkids and old ladies with shopping baskets, walking down tire ruts in the middle of the street because no one clears their sidewalks.

Rule #6 Shovel your sidewalk.
Get up early and clear it before the kids have to go to school. Don’t wait until it stops snowing. It is a lot less strenuous to move two inches of snow twice than it is to shift four inches in one shot. If you have a neighbor who is physically unable to shovel, clear theirs as well.

City ordinance states:
Every owner, lessee, tenant, occupant or other person having charge of any building or lot of ground in the city abutting upon any public way or public place shall remove the snow and ice from the sidewalk in front of such building or lot of ground.

So if you live in an apartment or condo and you are wondering who is responsible for shoveling your sidewalks. The answer is that you are. Get off your keester and grab a shovel.
As I said earlier, Snow is a fact of life in Chicago winters, but if we all pull together, it is not a big deal.

Paul K. Dickman

Spot Zoning

This is when a small parcel of land is granted different zoning than the parcels that surround it.

By its very nature, the zoning map is intended to be painted with a broad brush. Unchecked, the pointillism of spot zoning will gradually overpaint the map until there are no zones, only parcels.

I have looked at countless proposals for zoning changes and have come to the conclusion that there are only five good reasons to grant such a change

#1, The original zoning is a mistake.
Someone may have made an error, or the zoning is the result of previous spot zoning, or it reflects some use (like night offal removal) that is no longer feasible.
#2, There is a genuine hardship.
A hardship is when you cannot build the size building your zoning’s FAR allows on your size lot. Everyone claims to have a hardship. A small lot is not a hardship, a triangular lot is not necessarily a hardship, and having paid too much for your lot is not a hardship.
#3, The change is needed to create a transition zone between districts with widely differing bulk, density or use standards.
#4, The proposed project or use is highly beneficial to the community and a change is needed to achieve this.
#5, The project is in a blighted area, and the developer deserves a cookie for having the stones to build there.

You will notice that the phrase “To make more money”, is nowhere on this list

Paul K. Dickman

Ron Huberman in Mathmagic Land

The CEO of Chicago Public Schools says they want to an additional raise $43 million with property taxes, but it will only cost the average Joe eighteen bucks.

Mr. Huberman has to go back to math class.

In 2007 the Mayor said his $83 million tax increase would cost the owner of a $250,000 home about $60.
Now Mr. Huberman says a $43 million tax increase would cost the owner of a $262,000 home about $18.

These numbers don't add up.

To be fair, Mr. Huberman probably didn't do the math himself. I am sure he just repeated the the numbers given to him by the City of Chicago Department of Obfuscation.

Illinois State Law requires requires that the assessed value of the property in any county equal 33% of its market value.
Most counties deal with this by assessing everything at 33%.
Cook County using a sliding scale for different types of properties. This scale doesn't average out to 33%, so each year the state checks the numbers and comes up with a multiplier that brings the average up to where it is supposed to be.
This multiplier times the total assessed value of a city (its Equalized Assessed Valuation or EAV) determines the pool their levy is spread over. This multiplier times your property assessment determines what share of that levy you have to pony up.

According to the County Clerk's '07 data, the total Equalized assessed value of all the property in Chicago was $73,645,000,000. The CPS' $43,000,000 spread over that equals $.000585 per dollar of EAV. A $260,000 property has an EAV of $111,000 after assessment, equalization and homeowner exemption.

That works out to a $65 increase, not $18.

The Mayor's 2007 projection was full of bologna as well. That increase worked out to $128 not $60.

The Olympics, even if held to the $500 million liability limit, will cost the average Joe $754. For that much, you would think they would give us all free tickets.

Paul K. Dickman

Curb Bumpouts

These seem to be cropping up all over the city.
This is where, at intersections, the curb on the side street gets pushed out, narrowing the road bed and widening the parkway,

The Dept of Transportation comes around telling the community groups about their traffic calming effect, enhanced pedestrian safety and beautifying the corner with planters. This may all be true, but that is not why they put them there.

The real reason is a law suit.

In 2005 the city got sued in Federal court by the Council for Disability Rights for lack of compliance with ADA standards for sidewalks.

Now, this wasn’t a bad thing. The city had been doing a pretty crummy job of addressing accessibility issues. Frankly, I’ve been on logging roads that were easier to travel than Chicago’s curb ramps and a lawsuit seems to be the only way there is to get the city to do their job.

True to form, the first words out of the city’s mouth were, “We don’t need no federal intervention, your honor. We promise dat all da new ramps will pass inspection.”

The judge said, “Fine. You gotta year to prove it.”
At the end of the year, the city took the judge out to a showplace set of sidewalks on Chicago Ave and when they measured them, not a single ramp passed muster.

The city said, “Everything will be perfect from now on.”
Then, to show that they were really on the ball, the city wrote its own set of standards. These were even stricter than the fed’s. These standards must have been written by lawyers, because, by the time you add up the ramp, the landing and the corner radius, you need 15 ft wide sidewalks to ramp a typical 6 in curb.

Here in Wicker Park, most of our commercial streets have a 66 ft right of way. That doesn’t leave enough room for 15 ft sidewalks.

So the city bumps out the parkway into the side street. This not only gives them a few extra feet to play with, but it shortens the curb height because the curb meets the roadbed higher on the crown of the pavement. It also moves the corner radius over so that the ramp on the shorter sidewalk (toward the commercial street) lands parallel to the curb. Not allowing for the radius saves about two feet.

As for the lawsuit, a month later the director of the CDR sees the city pouring new sidewalks on Fullerton and has them measured.

Once again, they were wrong. The city settled the lawsuit by promising $140 million in compliant ramps over the next five years. That’s $50 million on top of the budgeted amount.

So, expect some curb bumpouts at a corner near you.

Paul K. Dickman

Get yourself some clout

For those of you who have never read Royko, clout is the mysterious force used to redirect the inertia of the political machine into the direction you want it to go.


Elected officials have some small measure of clout given to them through the process of election.
All other clout needs to be earned.

These are the ways you earn it;

Clout by relation.
Be related to someone with clout. The mayor's nephew, apparently, has clout by relation

Clout by association.
Hobknob with the clout snobs. Some of it will rub off.

Clout by donation.
Freely grease the wheels of the political machine. Be prepared to apply more grease, they will squeak whenever they need it.

Clout by intimidation.
The mob can do this in its purest form, but only as a last resort. They usually prefer the previous two methods. The rest of us have to resort to a law suit.

Clout by aggravation.
Be such a pain in the butt, that they will do what you want, just to get rid of you. This is the method most of us regular schmoes must resort to. Groups of schmoes can pool their clout to achieve a common goal. If you add pitchforks and torches, you can move up to clout by intimidation.


Paul K. Dickman

Egg on the face.

The City of Chicago, like most governing bodies, operates in strict accordance with the guidelines set by the "Egg on the Face School of Crisis Management"
These guidelines state that any crisis involving malfeasance, incompetence or bad planning, has three distinct stages.

In each of these stages the city has only one correct course of action.

Stage one;
The problem is noticed by a member of the general public.

Course of action;
Ignore it, it may go away.
If you receive a gift or a promotion for ignoring it, so much the better.
This is simply a gratuity for doing your job well, no different than your doorman.

Stage two;
The problem has been brought to the attention of the press.

Course of action;
Lie.
Say "It is not our fault, but we're gonna get to the bottom of it."
Send a few departments out on a fact finding Chinese firedrill until the smoke clears.
Next, return to the course of action implemented in stage one.

Stage three;
The problem has been brought to the attention of the Judicial system.

Course of action;
Pay a lot of money to every lawyer you know to fight the problem in court.
When it is apparent that you will lose, settle out of court.
The settlement should include, exorbitant sums of money, grandiose promises and at least one department head falling on their sword.
Then, add the money to the budget, make a token effort to implement the promises, get the department head another job, say "It wasn't our fault" and
return to the course of action implemented in stage one.

Paul K. Dickman

Urban gentrification and the end of an era

I wrote this 11 years ago for a bunch of guys in a metalworking newsgroup. It seemed a fitting piece to start my blog.


This is long and doesn't have much to do with metalwork But I thought you guys would understand.

Fifteen years ago, having grown tired of hanging out in a college town with the dead heads and other aging hippies, I moved back up to Chicago.

Lured by cheap rent, I moved into a moderately seedy urban neighborhood. It was the sort of working class area where people would still get up early to sweep off their sidewalks before going to work. On a hot summers day your neighbors would stop by with a six pack and you'd sit on your stoop drinking beer and swapping lies. If your car was stuck on an icy patch, three guys would come out of their houses with their coats on over their bathrobes and push you out.

The neighborhood had small bars where they had Billie Holliday on the juke box, not because it was trendy, but because it made "Bob" down at the end of the bar cry, and if you ever showed up in a suit and tie, you better be on your way to a funeral or you'd get the bums rush.

Within walking distance was an industrial tool supplier, a foundry supply, two plastic suppliers, a lumber yard that stocked the odd sized doors and windows used in older buildings, a plating shop, several metal finishers, sheet metal shops, sharpeners, welders and a thirty year old hardware store which, although run by two old goofs and their crackerjack staff of hardcore unemployables, would let you rummage around in the back. Where, like some diy Noah's ark they had accumulated a breeding pair of every thing ever made by man.

In short it was as close to heaven on earth that anyone can find in a big city.

After a few years we bought a storefront building and set about trying to meek out an eager living.


Meanwhile the neighborhood got trendy.


Property values and taxes drove off most of the neighbors. Almost all the suppliers are gone, replaced by galleries and strip malls. Most of the factories have been turned into luxury loft condominiums.

The last vestige of what the neighborhood was, is a Polish restaurant called the Busy Bee. The kind of place where your eggs didn't come with parsley garnish, and your coffee tasted like coffee.

They served good food at a reasonable price and weren't scotch on the portions.

As a regular routine ( to assure myself that my life was reasonably normal) I would walk down every Friday morning for breakfast. I'd sit at the counter, read the paper and let the Polish girls keep my coffee cup full.

It was an oasis of normalcy.

They're closing their doors today. Someone made them a enormous cash offer for the building. They plan to turn it into luxury condos. I don't blame the owner. She's been making soup, pierogi and galumpki for 30 years. She's 85 and it's time to get a payday.

I don't know who to blame. I guess it's just the end of an era.


Thanks for letting me vent

Paul K. Dickman